Most marital relationships have a lot of bumps and rough spots. Sometimes these events cause rifts that are seemingly insurmountable. When these incidents occur it takes a concentrated effort to save your marriage.

When confronted with disease in a patient, modern medicine in the developed countries of the world seeks to treat the symptoms of the affliction. Medical researchers, on the other hand, seek to find the causes of the illness, so they can prevent future outbreaks.

With your marriage, you have to treat the symptoms as well as find the causes of your marital problems. You must work on healing the symptoms of your relationship problems and then eliminate the causes so the same problems don’t recur.

If the problems in your marriage are caused by one or both of you, you have to take immediate action to change the causes of the problems. If the causes involve one or both of your actions or an indifferent attitude, this problem should be addressed jointly.

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It is smart to be organized in your approach to solving marital difficulties. Make a list of the problems, the responsible party and what actions have to be taken to change the problem into a positive outcome.

Have your partner make up their own list and then have a quiet conversation and discuss each list. You should jointly decide what each of you is going to do to save your marriage (assuming that your partner is a willing participant in saving what you have together).

In most cases, using an organized approach takes some of the emotions out of the process. After you have agreed on a specific course of action, put the plan into effect immediately. Discuss your progress with your partner on a daily basis.

If you are dealing with an uncooperative partner, one who thinks he or she is the “wronged” party, then you will have to resort to other means to convince your spouse to remain in the marriage.

In this case you can present your partner with your list of what you are going to do to make your marriage better. When it is apparent that you are working to better things, you might suggest that your spouse prepare their own list.

In addition to your list of planned actions, you should also prepare a list of all the reasons to salvage your marriage. Make a balance sheet showing assets on one side and liabilities on the other. Go over it with your partner if they are willing to talk about it.

If your partner is still unwilling to discuss your problems, you might want to seek assistance from an unbiased third party like your clergyman or a close friend or couple who your partner respects and to whom they will listen. Ask this party to go over the balance sheet on your marriage with your mate.

It is much easier to remain in a situation than it is to change. Most people resist changes in their lives. They are much more comfortable with familiar surroundings, activities and relationships.

If you show you are willing to work the kinks out of your marriage, more than likely your partner will be amenable to it as well.

If either one of you has erred greatly, you both have to be reminded that “to err is human, to forgive is divine.” Be divine.

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Stop The Crisis! Learn How to Save Your Marriage!

In the U.S. the incredible sum of almost a million married couples get a divorce yearly. If all the denizens of the city of Houston, Texas divorced, that would be roughly the same number of people.

The real question is could these marriages be saved? It’s just unfortunate that this question is one that can’t really be answered. It’s difficult to get good statistics on marriages that do manage to stay together. To quote Marian Wright Edelman, “Statistics are stories with the tears washed off”.

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Is your marriage beyond saving? If I had the answer, I would be rich beyond my dreams. If there’s one that I can assure you of, it’s that if you don’t do anything, your marriage is doomed to fail. Trying to find a solution will give you a much higher possibility of saving your marriage.

I would suggest trying these four simple steps to save your marriage. Go ahead and start now. Now you should understand I said “basic” and this does not mean “easy” because this will not be easily done. If you want to make your marriage work, these steps will serve as a road map to getting your marriage back on the right path.

Four steps follow to get started on saving your marriage:

1. Stop the blame game. Quit blaming yourself and your partner. Often times, marriages get stuck in a vicious circle of blame that makes it difficult to communicate in an effective manner. Without communication, you won’t be able to make any progress.

We use blame so that we don’t have to clearly see ourselves. It’s a lot easier to blame someone else for your marriage’s problems, but in truth a marriage is between two people – and the problems of your marriage are as much your fault as your partner’s.

Sadly, casting blame only feels better for a short time, because in the long-term it changes nothing. Even if you can prove the reasons you or your partner deserve the blame, you should forget it. A list made up of facts won’t help bring the two of you back together. Blame fans the flames of divorce.

2. Accept responsibility. Make the decision, and take steps to save your marriage. All change begins with just one person who really wants to see it happen. Remember by taking responsibility that does not mean you are to blame (see above).

What tactics does your spouse use to push your buttons? Instead of passing blame back and forth, be proactive and ask yourself what you can do differently, and acknowledge that the who is at fault is not what matters most – solving the problem is the most important thing. What buttons send your spouse over the edge? Choose to keep them from pushing your buttons and don’t push their buttons either.

One of the things that surprises me during counseling is everyone knows what is wrong and right behavior. Although, it is hard to go in that direction. Don’t get trapped by this. Figure out what you need to do to get started.

This is the difference between blame and responsibility:  “I am in a building that is on fire, I have the option of standing there trying to find out who started the fire, what caused it to spread so fast and who I can sue for this” (blame) or “I could get as many people out as possible” (taking responsibility). A marriage that is in danger is like a house on fire. What actions will you take to save your marriage?

3. Ask experts for help. Take solace in the fact that others have been helped, and know that that means you too can patch things up. Experts can have a lot more experience and insight being a big help in this type situation. Go over things and separate the futile from the productive, then utilize the productive.

Don’t make the assumption that your circumstances are unlike any one else’s. After providing 20-some years of therapy, I can say there isn’t much different that I hear at all. The story is never the same but the point is generally the same.

To quote Albert Einstein “The significant problems we have cannot be solved at the same level of thinking with which we created them”, simply interpreted the thing that got you into this situation will not get you out. You need a brand new way of thinking for this. That is what an expert brings to the situation a fresh new outlook on things.

4. Take action. The worst thing you can do is do nothing at all. The circumstances can easily cause you to become paralyzed. Therapists speak about “analysis paralysis”, which is a condition where a person gets so wrapped up in thought and trying to “figure things out” they don’t act on the situation.

You need to do more than understand the cause of your problems. You have to act! Daily, I see people who believe if they simply understand what their problem is, then that is enough for the problem to fix itself. This is not how it works. Action is the only way to resolve problems.

Will you save your marriage? Take my words of advice and run with them, because doing something is always better than doing nothing. It takes two to make a marriage work but only one of the two can really ruin the entire relationship. You are able to do your part only, sometimes this is enough. Stop sitting around asking questions and act. No time like the present.

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